With all the rain that has occurred and with the forecast of even more, it conjures up images of the great flood in biblical times. If you get right down to it, Noah was the ultimate ship captain. I mean think about it - he oversaw the construction, the “recruited” the passengers, obtained the supplies as well as being the navigation of the ark. And he did it without GPS or autopilot.

It makes me wonder, what if Noah had to accomplish this task today how his job would be different. According to Des Griffin who placed a “story” by Lorraine Florendo on a website called “Midnight Messenger” it would probably go something like this:

"In the year of our Lord 2007 God spoke unto Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark". In a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain!" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And so, six months passed. The skies began to darken. Fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. In addition, My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then I had a problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the Owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls." Noah threw his hands up in the air.

Noah then continued. "Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we've got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being -- the Creator of the Universe. The Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."

"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying my taxes. Today I got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and need to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. Then! it has to pass a Coast Guard inspection. Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional."

"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched gracefully across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth with a flood that engulfs the entire planet?" he asked hopefully. "No," thundered the Lord, "Humanity has invented something far worse – Government Bureaucracy”

Boating’s still good,
Barry