Summer is right around the corner, as I exited the shower, I looked in the mirror and performed my customary Hercules pose. I was somewhat shocked at what was staring back at me. My fear was that if I went swimming in the lake this summer I would be harpooned and dragged aboard a Japanese fishing trawler.

(Not that we have Japanese fishing trawlers on Canyon Lake, but it made for a great analogy). A life decision was made: change my eating habits and embark on a weight loss and exercise program. The golden rule to getting in shape, they say, is to choose a regimen that will fit your personality and schedule.

Unfortunately, there wasn't a commercially endorsed "drink beer, eat donuts, and slam pizza" fat reduction plan. By doing some superficial research I found the most popular diets and evaluated them.

The most widespread food plans advocate the complete opposite of each other and none of them have any research or concrete medical evidence to back up their health claims. One is low in carbohydrates and high in protein. The other is high in carbs, low in protein.

The first category promotes eating an over abundance of food like meats, butter, eggs, and sour cream. This sounds tasty but it might cause the liver or kidney to shutdown. Even though I am not medically certified, I have a feeling this could kill me.

The second category demands high grain foods. At first glance this seems like a healthy way to eat but it offers a very bland menu, and without protein it will lead to energy loss. The pounds will fall off but you won't have the strength to get out of bed.

The herbal remedies for the portly of body are not subjected to regulated standards and therefore might damage parts of your anatomy that you didn't even know existed. Besides, herbs loosen up the body's exit ramp to the point where you have to plan your day's activities around known water closet locations.

After studying the different blubber cures, I started to formulate my own fat reduction plan, and at the same time began to investigate exercise programs. As we have all seen, there is a plethora of work out videos and books on getting healthy. I knew that the right program could increase my energy level, improve sleep and have a positive effect on sexual potency (OH, BABY!). I decided, based on my research, the best way to get in shape is by running, weightlifting, push ups and sit ups. Imagine that!

The experts pontificate that the most important aspect in becoming thin is to understand why you overeat. I hit the buzzer quickly because I knew this answer. I overeat because I love stuffing my face with things that taste good. And one hundred and fifty percent of them cause fat cells to form on my skeleton. My body rejects all healthy foods that are low in calories because they all taste like tofu.

I read in a book that you can help meet your fitness goals by setting a few minutes aside for visualization and chanting. Visualization is accomplished by closing your eyes and imagining yourself as the physical specimen you long to be. As you are doing this you are to pick a phrase that has significance for your goal and say it over and over again. I chose "Bond, James Bond".

The first morning I was up at 6 AM with my new running gear on and raring to go. I went to the track and said "an easy two miles to start with" I made half a mile before I had to stop and walk. Was I really this out of shape? I finished the mile and a half, but you could have timed me with a sundial.

I was watching the discovery channel the other day and they introduced Clarence, a mouse that was genetically altered. Scientists had isolated the gene that causes obesity and turned it off! Clarence could eat all the high fat and high calorie foods but remained trim. What the hell was I killing myself for when a cure was right around the corner?

Instead of rising at 6 AM for a morning run I could sleep in. Instead of chanting "Bond, James Bond" I could chant "Pizza, Pepperoni Pizza" Although I was elated to learn about this scientific breakthrough, the news was not all good. Later that week it was announced that Clarence was found hanging in his cage. It seems the scientists put him back on regular food, thereby ending the flow of cake, ice cream, steaks, candy and his favorite, moon pies. He became so depressed he committed suicide.

As for myself, I guess I will wait patiently for the magic genetic cure, but until then try to watch what I eat, I will try to exercise more and I will try to drink less. You know, that type of person sounds kind of boring. Maybe I'll contemplate this life changing health decision over a big steak dinner at Ruth Chris's with a couple of Jack Daniels to wash it down. Oh and by the way, are the Spurs playing another late game tonight? If so, I guess I won't be getting up to run tomorrow either.

Boating’s still good,
Barry